In the last 3 years I have faced a lot of emotion in the wake of childlessness and it's always a challenge of how I deal with it. I go back and forth between genuine trust in God- trust in His timing, in His goodness, in His plan for me, in His love for me- and in the weakness of my own flesh and doubt that creeps in. Has he forgotten me? Did He forget that HE gave me this desire to be a mother? That He created me this way?
I picked back up Angie's book last night and it was divine timing. Now was the time for me to hear the words God spoke to me through Angie's pen. She Wrote:
"I am someone who lives in a constant state of worry about the future, and it is something I have had to commit to the Lord many times a day. I fear that He has somehow forgotten me and that I'm on my own. I take matters into my own hands but He reminds me that He hasn't gone anywhere. There is always a moment in time when I can feel His gentle voice reassuring me, but it's usually hindsight that brings relief instead of trust in the moment. I long to be a woman who walks in the moment God has given me, with full confidence of what's to come. I know it isn't always going to look the way I want it to, but I long to internalize the fact that He is never going to forsake me or take His hands off me."
In March of this year Dave and I went through fertility treatment for the second time. The first ended in heartbreak and I went into this one with my guard up. Although we felt God leading us to the decision to try again I couldn't help but try (the best you can in this situation) to guard my heart. I told myself the realities of treatment, read the statistics to keep myself honest, and relived the pain of "last time" because it just happens...it's my reality and so my mind goes there. When you have heard nothing but "No" it is so difficult to even dream of the miracle of a "Yes!" That is Satan's way of bringing fear and doubt in.
I relish the moments of trust in God's timing and then falter and feel genuine sadness at what's taking so long! I watch as my best friends (who all have children the same age) have play dates, swim parties, take pictures of their kids eating Popsicles together, take kids cooking classes together, and enjoy the joy and gift of having their kids grow up together and be friends. I find myself on the outside looking in and Satan has been grabbing hold. He tells me how sad it is that I'm missing out. He tells me that I may never get that. He tells me that they are having so much fun and their kids will be best friends and if and when I have kids, I will be doing it alone. He tells me my friendships have changed because they have families to care for. He makes me feel so sorry for myself.
I am being really honest here. I don't talk about this with many (or anyone) and I am now laying it out on the interwebs in an effort to be honest and reclaim my hope. I don't want to sound hopeless. I don't want to sound sad. I don't want to sound bitter. I do have hope. I know God has His very best in mind for me and I know that as Angie so eloquently said, "it's usually hindsight that brings relief."
My goal is to live out the second part of her statement, "I long to be a woman who walks in the moment God has given me, with full confidence of what's to come."
I don't know what God has planned for me. I hope it includes a family... but it may not. And I want to truly be alive and happy in this moment. In the one that finds me going on walks with Dave on nice nights, spending a week in California with my mom, Nana and brother, and enjoying the goodness that God has for us at this point in our lives. Sometimes I want to read the end of the book but I have to remind myself that all of the good details, all of the background story and all of the character development is right there in the middle. I don't want to miss the present being so concerned with the future.
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." ~ Proverbs 31:25
16 comments:
This was a beautiful post. My prayers are with you two!
My heart goes out to you and the many others I know who are/were dealing with infertility. I can't imagine what you are going through, and appreciate you sharing. I think your fears and doubts are probably normal, but am glad you are so hopeful when the unknown can be so scary. Will be keeping you in my thoughts & prayers!
A wonderfully honest post.
For you it is wanting a child. For me, it's being 35 and still single. You have to remember that someone else always want what you have in your life. I want a life with a marriage. You want a life with a child. I know people who are sad they can't have a second child, etc.
Hang in there!
Infertility sucks. Plain and simple.
You'll get through whatever life throws at you. As a fellow infertile I would never say "i'm sure it will happen" because we all know...sometimes it doesn't. Some people don't get their babies. But you've got your faith and that will get you through whatever you need to get through. I hope you get your babies one day, good luck with the fertility treatments!
Your honesty and faith are touching. I am in a different situation but have similar emotions. The reminders you've given me are ones I needed to read today. You're in my prayers.
I'm not sure of the specifics of your situation, but I think your head is in the right place, which is half the battle. After having a failed fertility cycle, I had a total Dr. Phil moment. A voice in my head said "how's that working for you?" I realized my self defeating thoughts, diet and general stress level weren't working for me. So I worked to make my life more whole. Thinking of you. It's a very frustrating, lonely road. I hope you find the peace you're looking for and some positive news soon. Feel free to email me if you have any questions.
PS - that wasn't written to imply that what you're doing isn't working for you!!! Ack! Just meant to tell you what worked for me when I was in your situation :)!
My heart goes out to you, fertility problems suck and I think you're doing a really good job handling this what you've been through. I have quite a few friends who have dealt with fertility issues and it's not pretty. Keeping you in my prayers!
I've been reading your blog for a few years. I always LOVE your taste in clothes and home decor! You seem to have such a FUN family; I'll admit, I'm a little jealous of that! (Not that my family isn't fun -we are just rarely all together). I will be praying for you in your fertility struggle. I can't say I've "been there" or that "I understand" because I don't. But from reading your blog, I feel sure you are a faithful, patient and kind person. God's timing is always best; even though our own timing is what we sometimes want. And please know that as friendships evolve and change (and they ALL do!), you will find women who are in the same season as you; every season that you are in. Maybe lots of your friends have children around the same age now; but when you do become a mom, you'll find yourself with friends in that season at the same time. Life tends to evolve that way.
Praying for you, Tiffany!
xo,
J
I loved that book too, Tiffany! I struggle with jealousy and wondering if God has forgotten me when I see all the families around me with typical kids who have *no idea* the struggles we experience because of James's autism. This summer has been especially hard seeing all the other families take vacations and go places we can't go because of James's limitations.
I know coming to a place of acceptance and trust isn't easy. Thank you for sharing how God is working in your life! Praying for you!
I have wanted to comment on this issue for awhile, whenever you ever so slightly mention it, but I have never really known what to say. Honestly, I dont think there is much somebody can say. But I do want you to know that I am here, and thinking of you, and have been seen you first mentioned this.
I am very open to tell people that my biggest fear in life is not being able to have children. I have not started trying, but all my life that is what I felt my sole purpose was for... and to think that it might not be possible is heartbreaking.
Anytime I hear of somebody going through this struggle, my heart aches. I cant fathom the amount of pain you are feeling, or the fear of uncertainity. I know that nobody knows the future, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers while you work through this hardship. I also know that I have truly seen MIRACLES happen, time and time again, in cases of infertility. I pray that you get your miracle... you are more than deserving of it.
This is such a beautiful post! Waiting for a child is one of the hardest things!!! I wish there was something, anything I could say that would truly bring comfort to you. You and your husband are definitely in my prayers, any child would be so lucky to grow up in your family! I know I don't know you in real life, but your family looks so loving and fun! :)
Oh Tiffany. My heart just aches for you. You are such a beautiful, wonderful woman and you deserve everything you're hoping and praying for. I think about you all the time and am always hoping that I'll hear the news you've been waiting so long for. I know that your hope for that news exceeds mine by a million. I am so sorry you've been struggling with infertility. I don't know the right words to say but I hope you know you're in my thoughts often.
My sweet friend... I love you and am so proud of you. I know the reward you have waiting for you is FAR greater than you could hope for or imagine- whether it be exactly what you have in mind, or not. Thinking of you and praying for you right now!!
I love you and your heart, friend. I ditto our pal Katie in all she said. It's probably not any solace but I want you to know that every time I hang out with the girls and the kids I think of you and MISS YOU and wish for you and pray right along with you. XO
Wow, thanks for sharing. My struggle is 30 and single. I know God's timing is best yet I try to manipulate, push, and make things work on my timetable. It only leaves me frustrated and sad. It's a constant battle in my mind to remember that God is in control, He loves me, and He knows best. Thanks for that quote.
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