I found myself in an impenetrable funk over the last couple of months. I vacationed with my mom and Nana, I vacationed with Dave and with my mom and dad, I spent time with dear friends, yet I still cried myself to sleep. I'm not asking for sympathy I'm just being honest. The vacations were wonderful. They were happy, they were fun, they were full of precious time spent with my family. But they weren't a cure all for the hurt down in my soul.
I have had a really hard time reconciling God's plan and timing for my life with the desires of my heart. My desires for a family, mixed with the heart break of losing my Papa- which has left a deep void- created the perfect storm. The perfect storm of sadness, self pity, anger at God, frustration with His timing, and that resulted in me crying out to him...I literally said the words, "Do you not hear me? Or do you just not care?"
He has been answering me every day since.
That perfect storm hit on a Tuesday. Dave, my dad and my brother were playing golf at Spanish Bay and I was sitting in a golf cart sobbing my eyes out. I got a call from my doctor that I didn't want to hear, my frustration went through the roof and I lost my cool. I had a "terrible-twos" moment where I threw a little hissy fit to God. Thankfully, He is big enough and secure enough to handle it. Thankfully, He sees into the depths of my soul to know my heartbreak and He allowed me a moment of weakness so He could show His strength. And thankfully, He created me, and He knows that I have a few screws loose. He created every bit of this emotion and He rejoices when I can (by His grace) manage to use it for good and He reins me back in when I go rogue.
Not 24 hours after my break down I was spent. I was emotionally, physically, mentally spent. "God, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep 'gearing up' only to be let down. Broken. I feel like this peace, this comfort, this joy, this will to keep trying comes straight from you. But then I am knocked down lower than I thought I could go. How can this continue to be?" And as we took off from California on a 3 hour flight back to Texas I opened my Bible study of James. My intent was to make it through my homework but God's intent was to use my "going through the motions" to create a movement in my heart.
My lesson for the day was directly linked to wisdom. Wisdom that comes from God if we'll just ask. Help that comes from God when we make our requests known. And Psalm 121 was "extra reading" among my study of James. I started reading Psalm 121 (which I have read a million times) but this time was different.
I still miss my Papa and our house still has empty rooms. My circumstances haven't changed but my heart has. My joy isn't in my circumstance my joy is in God. The creator of the universe, the lover of my soul, the man with the plan. He has filled me with His joy, with His peace, and with His promise that the one who gives life gives hope. I'm clinging to the promise of Psalm 126:5-6...that "those who sow in tears shall reap in joy...and shall come again with rejoicing".