Mountains, rain forests, oceans, deserts, volcanoes, lakes, canyons...can you imagine the creativity of our maker?
Last year, Dave and I went to Lake Tahoe for his big 3-0. I had done my google searches and had seen a few photos of the lake but nothing prepared me for the actual beauty I took in. We drove up one side of the mountain from Reno and as we came down, around the mountain, into Tahoe this was our first glimpse of the Lake...
We spent the next few days exploring. We went hiking, Dave played golf, we took in the snow capped mountains and walked along the sandy shore of the lake.
At one point, I asked Dave, "Can you even fathom how beautiful Heaven will be? I look around and see the beauty of this earth and it makes me realize I can't even come close to understanding the beauty and the glory of it. If He gives us this beauty here, but tells us we can't comprehend the majesty of Heaven, what must it be like?"
It blows my mind. How can my God be so creative? Forming snow capped mountains with the same hands that He rolled out the beaches of Turks and Caicos.
I've been thinking about all of this lately as I find peace in our infertility battle. I've always wanted to be a mom. And not just wanted to be a mom, but have truly felt like that's what I've been called to do. I've thought about my life with 3 boys, I've thought about my life with 3 girls, and I've thought about the joy of a mixed family. I've thought about adoption, I've thought about 2 kids...3 kids...4 kids...I've never once thought about zero kids. I never thought the couple struggling to have children would be us.
In the beginning (when we first found out we had a problem) it went from zero to 60. We began to realize that our story was going to be different. I wasn't going to get pregnant, get to surprise my husband with the news, get to surprise my family with the news, etc. For a year and a half I had been waiting month after month...hoping...and dreaming. "Ok, if I get pregnant this month I'll tell David this way, we'll tell our parents around this time in this way...." I did that with Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, my mom's birthday, Dave's birthday, Father's day....Y'all probably think I'm crazy, but I was willing it to happen. It never did.
At first I kind of went through a mourning period. I struggled with the fact that I might not be able to have children with my husband, and then I went through struggles of the "how". How do I feel about the few treatment options available to us? Where do we go from here? How is God going to build our family? IS God going to build our family?
I still don't know all of the answers to all of these questions. But what I've been enjoying lately is the dream of it all. God knows the desires of my heart. He knows my desire to be a mom. My desire to see Dave as the wonderful father I know he'll be. My desire to go to soccer, and ballet, and teach little hands how to fold in prayer and little voices to sing Jesus Loves Me. And the good news is....He's able.
If He created beautiful sunsets to hold different shades and shapes every single day and if He created gorgeous snow capped mountains to tower over an azure blue lake, I am so very excited to see how He chooses to create our family. And one thing that I'm most excited about is that I won't miss it. I'm so certain...beyond certain...that God is the only person who can create my family. And I'm so very grateful that if we have the privilege of adoption or if I have the joy of carrying a baby, that I'll be so grateful to the one who makes all things glorious!
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" ~ Ephesians 3:20-21