They That Sow in Tears Shall Reap in JOY!

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goes forth and weeps, bearing precious seed shall come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." ~ Psalm 126:5-6

I found myself in an impenetrable funk over the last couple of months. I vacationed with my mom and Nana, I vacationed with Dave and with my mom and dad, I spent time with dear friends, yet I still cried myself to sleep. I'm not asking for sympathy I'm just being honest. The vacations were wonderful. They were happy, they were fun, they were full of precious time spent with my family. But they weren't a cure all for the hurt down in my soul.

I have had a really hard time reconciling God's plan and timing for my life with the desires of my heart. My desires for a family, mixed with the heart break of losing my Papa- which has left a deep void- created the perfect storm. The perfect storm of sadness, self pity, anger at God, frustration with His timing, and that resulted in me crying out to him...I literally said the words, "Do you not hear me? Or do you just not care?"

He has been answering me every day since.

That perfect storm hit on a Tuesday. Dave, my dad and my brother were playing golf at Spanish Bay and I was sitting in a golf cart sobbing my eyes out. I got a call from my doctor that I didn't want to hear, my frustration went through the roof and I lost my cool. I had a "terrible-twos" moment where I threw a little hissy fit to God. Thankfully, He is big enough and secure enough to handle it. Thankfully, He sees into the depths of my soul to know my heartbreak and He allowed me a moment of weakness so He could show His strength. And thankfully, He created me, and He knows that I have a few screws loose. He created every bit of this emotion and He rejoices when I can (by His grace) manage to use it for good and He reins me back in when I go rogue.

Not 24 hours after my break down I was spent. I was emotionally, physically, mentally spent. "God, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep 'gearing up' only to be let down. Broken. I feel like this peace, this comfort, this joy, this will to keep trying comes straight from you. But then I am knocked down lower than I thought I could go. How can this continue to be?" And as we took off from California on a 3 hour flight back to Texas I opened my Bible study of James. My intent was to make it through my homework but God's intent was to use my "going through the motions" to create a movement in my heart.

My lesson for the day was directly linked to wisdom. Wisdom that comes from God if we'll just ask. Help that comes from God when we make our requests known. And Psalm 121 was "extra reading" among my study of James. I started reading Psalm 121 (which I have read a million times) but this time was different.

"I lift my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip- He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm- He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." ~ Psalm 121

That is what God's word said. But then, ever so gently, God said, "Duh." He continued, "This is what I keep telling you. My yoke is easy and my burden is light. I love you. I want the best for you and I have the very best in store for you. I know my timing seems difficult now but my plan is perfect and it's perfecting." And then, almost audibly He said, "And by the way, I hear you. I always hear you. And I care more than you could ever know. My heart is broken too."

I was crying like a baby. I'm not kidding. Tears flowing so freely because I had been freed. Freed from the torment of my own mind. From the grasp Satan had placed on me in my doubt. That seed of doubt that had caused me to question God's interest in me, concern over my heartache, and general hand in my life and concern of the outcome. And He reclaimed me.



And then...if I'm lyin' I'm dyin'...Dave pointed out the window of the plane...

Y'all literally can't even fathom the tears. I was sobbing, trying to soak in my rainbow, trying to grab my phone to take this picture, and trying to thank God for showing up. You know me and sentiment; we go together like a wink and a smile. This rainbow was just for me. God literally put that rainbow right outside my window at that.very.moment. and said, "I promise." I'm crying now just thinking about it.

I still miss my Papa and our house still has empty rooms. My circumstances haven't changed but my heart has. My joy isn't in my circumstance my joy is in God. The creator of the universe, the lover of my soul, the man with the plan. He has filled me with His joy, with His peace, and with His promise that the one who gives life gives hope. I'm clinging to the promise of Psalm 126:5-6...that "those who sow in tears shall reap in joy...and shall come again with rejoicing".

Someday I'm gonna be rejoicing with my sheaves, y'all! And to God be the glory...He is faithful.

Third Time's a Charm...

In the last year I have picked up Angie Smith's book, What Women Fear, twice. Each time I read about 10 pages and quickly was pulled in another direction. I'm not going to lie, I was probably pulled in a thrilling direction. Like towards the Hunger Games. But the truth of the matter is...I wasn't ready.

In the last 3 years I have faced a lot of emotion in the wake of childlessness and it's always a challenge of how I deal with it. I go back and forth between genuine trust in God- trust in His timing, in His goodness, in His plan for me, in His love for me- and in the weakness of my own flesh and doubt that creeps in. Has he forgotten me? Did He forget that HE gave me this desire to be a mother? That He created me this way?

I picked back up Angie's book last night and it was divine timing. Now was the time for me to hear the words God spoke to me through Angie's pen. She Wrote:

"I am someone who lives in a constant state of worry about the future, and it is something I have had to commit to the Lord many times a day. I fear that He has somehow forgotten me and that I'm on my own. I take matters into my own hands but He reminds me that He hasn't gone anywhere. There is always a moment in time when I can feel His gentle voice reassuring me, but it's usually hindsight that brings relief instead of trust in the moment. I long to be a woman who walks in the moment God has given me, with full confidence of what's to come. I know it isn't always going to look the way I want it to, but I long to internalize the fact that He is never going to forsake me or take His hands off me."

In March of this year Dave and I went through fertility treatment for the second time. The first ended in heartbreak and I went into this one with my guard up. Although we felt God leading us to the decision to try again I couldn't help but try (the best you can in this situation) to guard my heart. I told myself the realities of treatment, read the statistics to keep myself honest, and relived the pain of "last time" because it just happens...it's my reality and so my mind goes there. When you have heard nothing but "No" it is so difficult to even dream of the miracle of a "Yes!" That is Satan's way of bringing fear and doubt in.

I relish the moments of trust in God's timing and then falter and feel genuine sadness at what's taking so long! I watch as my best friends (who all have children the same age) have play dates, swim parties, take pictures of their kids eating Popsicles together, take kids cooking classes together, and enjoy the joy and gift of having their kids grow up together and be friends. I find myself on the outside looking in and Satan has been grabbing hold. He tells me how sad it is that I'm missing out. He tells me that I may never get that. He tells me that they are having so much fun and their kids will be best friends and if and when I have kids, I will be doing it alone. He tells me my friendships have changed because they have families to care for. He makes me feel so sorry for myself.

I am being really honest here. I don't talk about this with many (or anyone) and I am now laying it out on the interwebs in an effort to be honest and reclaim my hope. I don't want to sound hopeless. I don't want to sound sad. I don't want to sound bitter. I do have hope. I know God has His very best in mind for me and I know that as Angie so eloquently said, "it's usually hindsight that brings relief."

My goal is to live out the second part of her statement, "I long to be a woman who walks in the moment God has given me, with full confidence of what's to come."

I don't know what God has planned for me. I hope it includes a family... but it may not. And I want to truly be alive and happy in this moment. In the one that finds me going on walks with Dave on nice nights, spending a week in California with my mom, Nana and brother, and enjoying the goodness that God has for us at this point in our lives. Sometimes I want to read the end of the book but I have to remind myself that all of the good details, all of the background story and all of the character development is right there in the middle. I don't want to miss the present being so concerned with the future.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." ~ Proverbs 31:25

Lady Luck...

I started this blog almost 4 years ago at the urging of friends. Me sending them emails of men in white Dickie's (I wish I were kidding...see for yourself) and telling them tales of squirrels in my bathroom (not joking) seemed to warrant a URL so I decided to start this blog.

I didn't know that my first post about a guy wearing white Dickie's would turn into me spilling my guts about marriage, recipes, infertility and all of the joys and difficulty of life that lie in between. I never dreamed anyone other than my close friends and those making sure I'm not tarnishing the family name would ever read this. But somehow, here you are. And I'm appreciative.

Never would I have imagined that I would be receiving Christmas cards from Florida and Missouri from precious friends whom I have not yet met. This blogging community is weird....yes, we're kind of weird. People can't believe that we've managed real life friendships from Internet connections but it happens. And I'm grateful.

I've been open yet guarded about our fertility issues. You all are aware of our struggles but I haven't gone into great detail. But the Cliffs Notes version is that we have wanted and tried for a family for years. Our fertility struggles are great and we have had many doctor's appointments and treatments to try to help us achieve a family. We're prayerful, confident and therefor hopeful that God has planted a deep desire for a family in our hearts and He will show us how that desire is to be manifested. Whether we have our own children, adopt, or if there is a different plan altogether for Dave and me.

But through making our struggles known I have had several people email me encouragement. Some have been encouraging to me and some have asked questions. How did we know, when did we decide to seek help, what questions did we ask while balancing our faith and morals with treatment options, how has this strengthened/affected our marriage...you name it, I've been asked it. It's amazing to me how it all comes at just the right time...always. God has put people in my life as a prayer warrior, as a friend of encouragement, and as a shot of hope just when I need it.

Friday, I needed it. I got home from 7 days in Houston, rushed straight to a doctor's appointment and was praying for good news. I got home from all of that and had a package waiting for me. The return address was that of sweet Sara's....my blog friend (and talented photographer and soon to be mom...) from St. Louis. I opened the package to find this....

Tears fell as I read her words offering me "luck" and prayers as we continue this journey and try for our family. She is proof of blessings as she is a mommy-to-be and I can't wait to celebrate her little miracle. Sara, thank you for your kindness. What a blessing beyond measure! And thank you to each of you who have offered me hope, encouragement, a prayer, and just for stopping by this silly little blog!

My cup runneth over... XOXO

Creativity at it's Finest...

I'm not well traveled. I've been around the United States and I've been to Mexico and that about sums up my jet-setting. Honestly, I feel privileged just to have been the places I've been. Sure, I have lofty aspirations of travels abroad. I've pinned my fair share of photos from Greece, Australia, Italy, Norway, Vail...it's fun to dream. The common theme among my travels is not only stunning beauty but also the vast differences of our world.

Mountains, rain forests, oceans, deserts, volcanoes, lakes, canyons...can you imagine the creativity of our maker?

Last year, Dave and I went to Lake Tahoe for his big 3-0. I had done my google searches and had seen a few photos of the lake but nothing prepared me for the actual beauty I took in. We drove up one side of the mountain from Reno and as we came down, around the mountain, into Tahoe this was our first glimpse of the Lake...

Blue skies, gorgeous towering pine trees, and the lake that's a color of blue you can't even imagine.

We spent the next few days exploring. We went hiking, Dave played golf, we took in the snow capped mountains and walked along the sandy shore of the lake.

At one point, I asked Dave, "Can you even fathom how beautiful Heaven will be? I look around and see the beauty of this earth and it makes me realize I can't even come close to understanding the beauty and the glory of it. If He gives us this beauty here, but tells us we can't comprehend the majesty of Heaven, what must it be like?"

It blows my mind. How can my God be so creative? Forming snow capped mountains with the same hands that He rolled out the beaches of Turks and Caicos.

I've been thinking about all of this lately as I find peace in our infertility battle. I've always wanted to be a mom. And not just wanted to be a mom, but have truly felt like that's what I've been called to do. I've thought about my life with 3 boys, I've thought about my life with 3 girls, and I've thought about the joy of a mixed family. I've thought about adoption, I've thought about 2 kids...3 kids...4 kids...I've never once thought about zero kids. I never thought the couple struggling to have children would be us.

In the beginning (when we first found out we had a problem) it went from zero to 60. We began to realize that our story was going to be different. I wasn't going to get pregnant, get to surprise my husband with the news, get to surprise my family with the news, etc. For a year and a half I had been waiting month after month...hoping...and dreaming. "Ok, if I get pregnant this month I'll tell David this way, we'll tell our parents around this time in this way...." I did that with Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, my mom's birthday, Dave's birthday, Father's day....Y'all probably think I'm crazy, but I was willing it to happen. It never did.

At first I kind of went through a mourning period. I struggled with the fact that I might not be able to have children with my husband, and then I went through struggles of the "how". How do I feel about the few treatment options available to us? Where do we go from here? How is God going to build our family? IS God going to build our family?

I still don't know all of the answers to all of these questions. But what I've been enjoying lately is the dream of it all. God knows the desires of my heart. He knows my desire to be a mom. My desire to see Dave as the wonderful father I know he'll be. My desire to go to soccer, and ballet, and teach little hands how to fold in prayer and little voices to sing Jesus Loves Me. And the good news is....He's able.

If He created beautiful sunsets to hold different shades and shapes every single day and if He created gorgeous snow capped mountains to tower over an azure blue lake, I am so very excited to see how He chooses to create our family. And one thing that I'm most excited about is that I won't miss it. I'm so certain...beyond certain...that God is the only person who can create my family. And I'm so very grateful that if we have the privilege of adoption or if I have the joy of carrying a baby, that I'll be so grateful to the one who makes all things glorious!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" ~ Ephesians 3:20-21