My Truly Glamorous & Fabulous Life: Porta-Potty Edition

I'm a meetings and event planner by day and it always cracks me up that people think I have the most glamorous job. I can't argue that I get a few perk here and there...a free hotel stay won in a raffle that inspired the "Great Groupon Escape", a friends and family deal that inspired Dave's 30th birthday trip to Lake Tahoe (read: the best vacation ever!), and most recently...tickets to Sunday's game 1 of the Western Conference Finals with my San Antonio CVB friends...GO SPURS GO!! While that's all well and good, and you won't be hearing any complaints, the day to day to lead to the actual success of an event is always crazy business. My sister's wedding was NO different!

Having a reception for 230 people in your parent's backyard is no easy feat. You have to take into account every.single.thing. from every linen, to every fork, every wine glass, additional electrical, spraying for ants and mosquitoes (state bird of Texas), valet, and let's not forget the bathrooms. Let's rest there.

When Kristen set her heart on a backyard wedding parking and restrooms where one of the first red flags raised. The thought of 230 people coming in and out of the house to use 2 downstairs restrooms was a concern. We decided on "upscale" porta potties for the men and the women would be able to come in and use the house restrooms.

To make a long story short...mom looked at photos and ordered "nice" porta potties (if there is such a thing!) that had lights, a sink, and as my mom said, "smelled nice. Not like a porta potty."

Jump to May 18th. T-32 hours to "go time". The unit is delivered and it looks like it came straight off a construction site. Mom, Kristen, Nana and I were getting our nails done and my dad called in a panic. If Big Daddy thinks it's "nasty" you know you're in for it. Mom begins to panic, nail techs are talking about us in languages we can't understand and probably laughing uncontrollably at us, and the great porta potty crisis of 2012 is born.

Insert Bradley: My BFF, "day of" wedding day coordinator, and lifesaver swoops in. She found a double sided, clean, "fancy smelling" porta potty just in the nick of time! And by that I mean just before mom's full on melt down. The company was top notch and said they could deliver it within 24 hours.

Wedding day- I get up, get dressed and head over to my parent's house around 8am and as I'm driving down I-35 I realize I'm trailing a double sided porta potty. Could it be???

I got next to him and explained that, randomly enough, he was taking those units to our house and to just follow me since he would be taking them to the back gate. Bradley was laughing hysterically as we pulled up...

We proceeded to tell our new BFF Chad- the porta potty driver, that he was going to nee to off-road because we needed the toilets out of site to the general public. He looked a little concerned but was as nice as could be and gave it a try!

10 minutes, a near tip over, a close call with the back of the fence, and a re-positioning for easy entrance and all was right with the world! You're the man, Chad!!

In short, planning an event isn't all champagne and sparklers but it will definitely give you a few good laughs and some great stories! I can't make this stuff up.

It's all fun and games until someone's bleaching grout in the bathroom...

I've been completely out of control lately. Life has just been throwin' me Nolan-Ryan-Style fastballs and I'm standing in the batters box with the bat on my shoulder. It's tough to complain when my weekends have been spent in New York, in Dallas and soon to be spending my weekend in Nashville. It's just crazy because my weeknights fly by in a flash too. I have a women's Bible study one night, community group (group Bible study) one night, Dave has class one night, and then add in any other social obligations and before we know it our week nights and weekends are spent running 90 to nothin'.

It's lots of great stuff, don't get me wrong. But at some point (and that point, for me, was last Tuesday night...) it all becomes too much and I reached boiling point. Last Monday I finally had a night at home. My suitcase was still unpacked after my trip to NYC, the kitchen was a mess, the floor needed to be vacuumed and I was sitting on the couch, after making dinner, watching DWTS. I looked up and in the right corner of the living room I saw a cobweb. I literally had not.one.single.ounce. of energy to go clean it. So, I sat there and I finished watching the very sub-par talent on this season and then went to bed.

On Tuesday, I got a call from our fertility nurse that put me over the edge and I just started crying on the phone with her. That's when I realized I was out of control in more areas than just my messy house. It seemed like every aspect of my life was overwhelming & in complete chaos. I cried to my friends about it on Tuesday night at Bible study and like the wonderful friends that they are, they just listened. I so appreciate them listening and letting me cry without thinking I'm (tooooo) crazy. I know they have to think I'm a little whack-a-do let's be honest. That night, I decided I needed to get a grip.

I have absolutely no control over our fertility situation and I know that. I realized that me asking God to take this burden and deal with it means trusting Him with it daily. That entire situation is His problem to handle and I trust Him more than anyone else with the future of our family.

It felt so good to put Him in control of every aspect of my life. An enormous burden was lifted and it actually gave me the desire and the energy to "move" and start dealing with other out of control areas, so I decided to get a move on it.

It's amazing how when you just get started and make one change everything else follows. After mentally getting my act together I decided to physically start with our house. We were finally in town for the weekend so I rallied the troops (Dave) and I spoke his love language (an excel spreadsheet) and we got down to business.

The spreadsheet listed every room in our house. I outlined what needed to be done in each room and assigned the duty to either myself or to Dave. I knew that it was going to be tough and I didn't want us to get side tracked. I also wanted it to be very clear what my expectations were and the things I wanted Dave to help me with.

And let me stop right there and say, my husband is a rock star! He totally got on board and agreed that we needed to get these things done and he helped me from 5:30pm on Friday until 3:30 pm yesterday! I am SO grateful for a help mate as wonderful as David!

Ok, back to the spreadsheet...we decided that the easiest way to skin the cat was to start with the closets. We figured we could knock out our master closet and the 2 upstairs closets and get all of our items for Goodwill. If we could Goodwill run on Saturday morning and get the items out of the house then we could start the deep clean.

I love a plan!

The problem was that 2 hours into the plan my bedroom looked like this...I felt like blowing up my entire house and starting over!

The good news is, around midnight, the feeling passed and our closet was completely cleaned out and organized.

Saturday, we woke up, took our loot to Goodwill and hit the showers (literally) around 9am. Dave tackled the bathroom while I tackled the pantry and the kitchen. At one point I walked in to check Dave's progress and he was on his hands and knees with a grout brush and bleach and he was cleaning the grout on the bathroom floor!! It was at that point when I realized he was going for the gold star in cleaning and I'm pretty sure I fell even more in love with him. :)

I didn't really take any pictures because we were cleaning our butts off and I was already pressing my luck with Dave, but we moved all of the furniture out of our formal living room to clean the carpets, dust and vacuum. I took a couple of pictures that I sent to a few friends who were questioning our dedication. ;)

After church on Sunday morning, I ran to the grocery store and got a few pumpkins because I was feeling inspired and ready to move on to fall. (It's been hard since it's still 95 degrees here...but there is buzz of a cold front coming in tonight!) I also got ingredients to make chicken and dumplings (It was delicious! Recipe here) from this pinterest recipe! I started the chi9cken and dumlings and figured it could cook while we finished cleaning. Y'all, it was SO stinkin' easy and delicious! And that brings me to my final project of the weekend....

I made this "menu planner" and I love it!! Find all of the printables here (once again, love you, Pinterest!!)

I feel like such a nerd saying this, but I actually had FUN making my grocery list on my snazzy new shopping sheets.

In all, it was a nutso weekend! We worked our tails off...and the end result is a truly refreshing and amazing home and overall refreshing feeling in my soul. That may sound silly but it's how I feel. Last night, we went for a walk and I told Dave I just felt SO productive. We got rid of things we don't need, we cleaned, cleaned, cleaned, our pantry is organized, our refrigerator and freezer are cleaned out...we are completely organized and I was able to go for a walk and know dinner was going to be ready in the crock pot when we got home. PHEW!

Why in the world don't we do things like that more often??

How was your weekend?

Interview/Day from H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS...

I eluded to my interview from H-E-L-L yesterday and said it deserves a post all of it's own. A few of you asked for more details because why wouldn't you all want to relive my misery?? I'll be the entertainment. What's new?

I really thought I had already told the story so I looked under my label "I Can't Make This Stuff Up" and sure enough, there she was in all of her detailed glory. So if you care to relive my day spent canvasing South East Austin, In AUGUST, in a black suite and high heels selling PIZZA coupons door-to-door feel free to click here. You're welcome.

And for the record, I'm not sure I ever told y'all the result of my hair dilemma....THANK YOU for weighing in on my many, many hairstyles. The majority vote was to keep my hair just below my shoulders with some layers and side-swept bangs like, "The picture of you and the girl in the wedding dress." So I am going to make an appointment and get some layers and get some of this weight off but keep the length. Thanks, girls!

She Works Hard for Her Money....

I Wish I could go back to the "good ole days" when I worked ONE day a week for manicure money, and I use the term "worked" loosely. As I manned a beauty salon and boutique on Saturdays for 6 hours....

In 1998 B.C. (Before CHI) the only thing I had to control my crazy hair was my round brush. And to give credit where credit's due, it was the most revolutionary product I owned until that fateful birthday when I received....the CHI! Life, as I knew it, would be forever changed and more than just myself and my hair could fit through one doorway.

I owe the round brush much of my high school experience and I wouldn't have met that brush if it weren't for my very valuable employment at Sudz & Sass in Marlow, Oklahoma. It was my very first paying job (besides babysitting...I was a pro babysitter) and by "paying" I mean I almost paid them to work there. I think I made about $160/month, and I'll be sure to tell my kids that "in those days" that would pay for gas and then some!

Don't you worry that "Sudz & Sass" was a small salon with a makeup station, clothing, and a license to sell Brighton. Rest assured "employee discount" and "Brighton" were used in the same sentence a time or two by my mother....

I digress....Sudz & Sass was good to me. I got prom hair, lots of lazy Saturdays spent watching college football and doing my own makeup, and discount products out of the deal. The prom hair would have made it worth it, but they showed appreciation with a dab of blush from the makeup station. Judging by my prom picks they needed to throw in a little mascara!

Since the days in a salon I have worked as a summer camp counselor, been a nanny, worked at Foley's for much longer than I care to admit, worked at a daycare center, worked in patient records at an orthopedic surgeon's office, had a horrifying interview for a "marketing poisition" (that needs a post all to itself), had a "real" job out of college with Bank of America, and now I have been a meeting/conference planner for a non-profit association for 3 years.

I guess time flies when you're having fun!

Lucky me! I get to be the medical miracle!

I used to be a gum chewer. I always had gum in my purse and most of the time I was chewing it. I liked the flavor, I liked having something to chew on, and not worrying about bad breath is a nice perk too. It all stopped abruptly in 2005 when I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I was 25, one of them was bothering me a bit, so I went in for a routine extraction. I didn't have any that were impacted so it should be a piece of cake, right? WRONG!

I woke up that evening with a pain medication hangover, Dave was watching something on ESPN classic, I had a plethora of mashed potatoes and chocolate milkshakes because my friends are the bomb, and I felt like I had been hit with 2x4's on both sides of my face. I got out of bed and went to sit in the living room because who could resist the 1987 classic: LSU vs. Georgia Bulldogs...I remember it like it was yesterday...

I digress...so I woke up and began to change all of the necessary dressings and I realized the right side of my tongue was still really, really numb. Like crazy numb. I told Dave how weird it was because the rest of the anesthesia seemed to have worn off. A couple of hours later, my doctor called himself to check on me. At this point it was around 6:30pm. Dave told him I seemed to be doing really well, didn't have a lot of swelling, no immediate bruising, but the right side of my tongue was still very numb. My doctor seemed a bit baffled, but figured I was just highly receptive to the anesthesia and told me he would check in the next morning.

Well, let's just say it's now March of 2010 and my tongue is still numb! Yep...freaking weird!! And guess what, "In his 35 years of practice he has never had this happen." Lucky me. I get to be the medical miracle!

It seems the doctor severed a nerve while taking out my wisdom teeth and as a result I have no feeling in the right side of my tongue and very hightened sensation in the gums on the lower, right side of my mouth.

I've had corrective surgery, I've had one of the top oral and maxillofacial surgeons in.the.country. take my case and he is the one that performed my corrective surgery....and it didn't work. Ah, friends, it's always fun to have doctors calling you to interview you when they are WRITING THEIR BOOK because you are a "very interesting case".

I'm virtually the 8th wonder of the world. You know, the 8th wonder that bites their tongue when chewing gum and can't feel the right half of their tongue....

You Might Say I Have "Semi" Crazy Dreams....

During the whole squirrel debacle I mentioned that Dave hardly stirred because he thought it was just another one of my crazy dreams. I didn't elaborate because it was another story for another time...I feel the time has come to completely humiliate myself by giving you a glimpse into my life. It wouldn't be the first time...

I talk in my sleep. This is nothing new. I've been told stories from every roommate I've ever had. My sister, Bradley, The Loj, Meredith, Courtney, Katie, Robyn, Angie...and now Dave. I don't wake up, I don't hear myself, and I certainly don't remember it in the morning. In fact, I usually don't even remember dreams in the morning. I've also been known (on just a few occasions, not very often) to sleepwalk. I actually think this happened when I was younger more than it does now. So now the stage is set....

Several weeks ago, something happened to me that has never happened in.my.life. and it was the scariest thing in the world. It was about 3:00am and I was in a dead sleep. I had the most vivid dream I've ever had. I honestly can't even explain it. Dave and I were walking down the street, and we were approaching an intersection, but we were on the sidewalk, and out of nowhere a semi-truck was coming towards us and (I don't really know how to describe it which is why I haven't written about this until now...) it swerved to avoid a small car that it was going to hit and it went into a spin spinning towards us and we were about to get hit! In the dream I was scared to death and I pushed Dave out of the way just trying to get out of the way of the oncoming 18-wheeler....

In real life, (I sleep on my back) I literally FLEW out of bed, over the top of Dave while simultaneously "pushing him out of harms way" and I landed on the floor! Y'all, I cleared an entire HUMAN and queen size bed and landed on the floor. Not without hurting many body parts along the way. Mine and Dave's. He jumped over the top of me and turned on the bathroom light and was in a sheer panic thinking someone must be in the house, in our room, something had freaking me out to bring on such alarm....

Then, I started to explain myself (still half asleep) and I was telling him that the semi was coming right towards us and we had to get out of the way....and then I woke up fully. And I realized there was no semi, no danger, only a bloody knee, bruises ALL down my leg, and possibly a torn shoulder on Dave's part.

All of my co-workers heard the story first hand and saw my bruised leg and got to laugh at me to my face. Dave's shoulder had no permanent damage just a little soreness for a few days, and Rookie suffered no harm during my bizarre dream.

I have no idea why he would have ever questioned that there was actually a squirrel 12 inches away from me in the bathroom....

An Uninvited Holiday Guest...

Y'all wouldn't even believe it if I hadn't taken pictures, so rest assured I have photographic evidence of the tale I am about to tell! (Those that follow me on Twitter already know what happened, but this is the full story!)

Friday night I woke up around 1:30 in the morning needing to go to the restroom. I don't even think I completely woke up, but I stumbled into the restroom to do my thing. I must insert here that we have a little potty room within our bathroom, so you go into a TINY little nook with just a toilet and it has it's own door. Usually when I have to get up in the night to use the restroom I go into the tiny room and close the door before I turn on the light so it won't wake Dave up. So, back to the story....so I go into the tiny room, close the door, flip on the light, sit down on the toilet and I see something about 1 FOOT away from me staring straight at me with it's beady little eyes...it honestly took me about 2 seconds to realize that it was in fact real and not a dream and that I was one-on-one with a SQUIRREL in my bathroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I screamed bloody murder and FLEW out of that bathroom and started yelling for Dave that there was a squirrel in the bathroom!! Now let me interject another quick fact....I talk in my sleep. A lot. I tend to have CRAZY dreams that make me do crazy things. I have another story for another blog, but let's just say that a few weeks ago Dave and I both woke up very bruised after I dreamed we were almost hit by a semi. In my defense, we were bruised because I was saving our lives. thankyouverymuch. But anyhow, he literally didn't budge, he just casually opened his eyes and I was sitting on top of the bathroom counter. I promised him with every fiber of my being that there really was a squirrel in our bathroom and that he needed to save the day!

At that point, I really woke up. And I started hearing what I was saying and I started wondering if there really was a squirrel in the bathroom because let's be honest....what are the odds?? I tiptoed back over to the bathroom, looked behind the door and there she was....and she wasn't small people! At this point I looked for Rookie to make sure he didn't get in on the action, and he was just laying on the bed...hadn't moved a muscle. He was shooting us the death stare for waking him from his slumber. Some guard dog!

We put him outside and went into problem solving mode. There was a freaking squirrel in our bathroom! So we got Rookie's crate and were trying to figure out how on earth we were going to coerce a squirrel into a dog crate. I started Googleing how to catch a squirrel and all of the answers weren't comforting when it was telling us to put peanut butter in our trap and give it 4-5 days. But each commentary told us that squirrels could be aggressive, very quick, and many carry rabies. Noted.

In the end, we settled on Animal Control which opened at 8am on Saturday morning. By this time it was 2:30. We decided to secure the borders and go sleep in the guest bedroom. Needless to say, we didn't get much sleep knowing we had a huge squirrel probably chewing through our walls downstairs.
At 8am we called Animal Control and left a message that we had a guest in our home. Their first question to Dave was, "Did you bring it in?" WHAT?? Did we bring the squirrel in our home?? For what? A playmate for Rookie?? NO, we didn't bring a freaking squirrel in our house! After the silly questions we got to the nuts and bolts of the matter. We needed a squirrel removal ASAP. An hour later we had Deputy Dewey at the front door with his net. I tried to take a picture of the removal but he closed the doors "for our safety". About 30 seconds later he appeared with our little friend wrangling around in his net and he proceeded to walk out in our backyard and let her loose.

We figured out that she came in through the vent above our stove. When I had gotten home from work on Friday the cabinet was open and I had wondered why Dave had left it open. I'm not tall enough to see inside of it, so I just shut it and went on. On Saturday I asked him what he needed out of that cabinet and he said, "I wasn't in that cabinet." At that point I had an "A-Ha!" moment and we figured that must have been how our friend got in. When we opened the door and got a stool this is what we found....

Long story short, we called pest control and they said that she didn't chew through our roof and there was no damage. They simply think she was on the roof and somehow managed to fall into the vent for our stove. They said she went into survival mode and was going towards light...the light just happened to be our HOME!! She chewed through that portion of our vent, but Dave fixed it yesterday afternoon and we should be good to go.

It was pretty crazy and I honestly don't know when I'll get the image of flipping on the light and having a SQUIRREL staring me straight in the eyes out of my head. I had to take some pictures so you guys would believe me! I hope you enjoy your holiday guests and I hope they are all there by invitation!!

Me: "Some guard dog you are! There was a squirrel 20 feet away and you were sleeping like a baby!"
Dave: "Yeah Bear! Are you just eye candy?"

PS...that picture of the squirrel was taken at about 7:30am on Saturday before Animal Control came. When I first saw her, she was in another corner of the bathroom facing me with her tail up behind her. Literally about 1 foot away from me. I can only imagine that that is what it must feel like when you hallucinate something. Because since I was half asleep, it took me a minute to realize that it really was real. It looked so real, but I was thinking, "Is that a squirrel?" But yep, it was real!

As Seen on TV!

Yesterday was my precious Nana's birthday. We had already decided to celebrate on Sunday because my mom and I are in a bible study (that my mom leads) on Wednesday nights. Such calendar conflicts could not be avoided, so we opted to celebrate her fully this weekend. Teeny made her Sunday birthday brunch decision based on such culinary delicacies as corn flake chicken tenders, green chile cheese grits and sweet potato casserole. We're pretty fired up about it!

Although we will celebrate this weekend, we wanted to recognize the big day a little bit, so we went over to their house after bible study with a few cupcakes and presents in hand. We sang and had a cupcake and were sitting talking when the topic somehow changed to the Snuggie. Next thing you know Nana and Papa are exchanging glances and Papa pulls out all the stops. Oh.Yes.He.Does. have a SNUGGIE! I have documented this for my brother and sister to see him in all of his warm and snugly glory.

I cease to be amazed by these two. Don't think for a second we didn't laugh and point fingers. And we may or may not have told him he looks like a Monk.

I have COMPLETE lost my mind. (Among other things...)

As a general rule, I am an organized person. I'm a meeting planner. I get paid for the details. This is not to say things are never chaotic...I am a firm believer in organized chaos, but I don't generally leave huge things out. But lately....lately I've had some problems.

It all started with my phone charger. As I told you, we've been here, there and everywhere lately. And when we were on our way home from Dallas a couple of weekends ago I remembered that I left my phone charger at my sister's house. I called her, let her know, and it was a done deal. I'm usually a bit more on the ball but nobody got hurt.

Then there was last weekend...we left my in-laws and we got about 15 minutes down the road and my father-in-law called to tell us that I had left my makeup bag in the bathroom. Where was my head?? I always do a final sweep of the bedroom, closets, bathroom, etc. How did I miss this? Then I remembered that when I went to look in the bathroom, Dave was in there and I forgot to go back through before we left. We had to turn around and meet my FIL to pick up said make-up bag. That was on Sunday.....

On Monday I was getting ready for work and I realized that I was missing one of my bracelets. Let me insert here that I really don't have "good" jewelry except for a few pieces. I have my engagement ring and wedding band (obvi), my pearl earrings and necklace given to me by Dave as a wedding gift, a watch given to me from Dave, a diamond drop necklace given to me by my mom when I got engaged...it's the diamond from her first wedding band (before the big upgrade...she's so spoiled:), and then a Tiffany bracelet given to me by my mom and dad for my 21st birthday. That final item is the item I was missing. I didn't think much of it because we have been traveling so much, I knew it was just in a jewelry bag or makeup bag somewhere. When I got home from work I began to look. And look. And look. Then I began to panic. It was NOWHERE to be found. I literally tore our house apart. I looked in cars, purses, drawers, suitcases, in bathroom cabinets, called my sister to see if I had left it in Dallas....then I totally hit the panic button. I must have left it in Tennessee. I called the hotel but of course no one could help me at 10pm. I hardly slept a wink...my mind racing through where else it could possibly be. Then it hit me. When we went to Tennessee I put all of my jewelry in a grey/transparent jewelry bag and I had it in my purse when we went through security. I remember what I wore with each outfit and when we came home I was wearing my cheap/fake gold jewelry. Leaving me completely open to have possibly left all of my good jewelry in the Hampton Inn in Tennessee. Oh my lanta.

Tuesday at 7:30am I called the general manager and gave him my story. He contacted housekeeping...they scoured the room...no dice. I was honestly so upset. Then....then....I went to get my purse out my "messy" drawer at work where I store my purse each day and when I pulled out my purse look what I saw.....

UNDERNEATH my stationary was the tiny corner of my missing jewelry bag!!!!! Could it be?? YES! Praise the Lord. I am an idiot. It must have fallen out of my purse and somehow gotten lodged under my box of stationary.

I've got my jewelry back...now if I can only get my act together!

I kid you not....

I was driving home from work the other day on a very busy (albeit completely gridlocked...) highway and the middle-aged man in the car next to me was doing bicep curls. He had a dumbbell in his left hand and was driving with the right hand and was doing curls as he drove. He was wearing a button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. I immediately started laughing and then cursed the fact that I don't have an iPhone to photograph and then immediately Twitter/e-mail about such idiosyncrasies.

It would have been pretty awkward if I had dug through my purse for my camera and then rolled down my widow to get a tint-free photo of him in all of his glory. But have no fear, Google Images came through so you aren't left with a boring post with no photo...

So do you guys have any "athletic activities" you engage in during your commute?

Easy Access...

Selecting the perfect camisole is certainly not an easy process. I am always wearing it under something so I don't like it to ride up, I want the built in bra, thick shoulder straps are a plus, adjustable shoulder straps are clutch, and I really like the cotton/spandex blend material. You can imagine my elation when I found a fantastic combination of the above stated requirements at Target about 5 months ago. I got my perfect camisole in white and was so pleased by the shade of white. Sometimes it has too much beige or it just seems kind of dull, but this one was just great.

When I went to put it on for the first time I noticed that it was kind of a quirky camisole. "Why on earth does it have that funky hook-and-eye type thing on the straps? And why does this built in bra not completely cover my girls?" Oh well, I still liked the way it fit. I liked it so much I bought one in black too!! There have been a few times when I was putting it on and the hook-and-eye on the shoulder strap has come undone and it has been kind of annoying and I always wonder why on earth they made it that way?? Well, last night I was changing clothes from work and taking off my cami and the left strap popped open again. "UGH!" I thought, and the entire top left side fell down. "OH MY GOSH!" I thought to myself. "THAT'S WHY IT'S MADE THIS WAY!!!!"

Y'all, I have been wearing a nursing camisole for 5 months.

Give the People What They Want!

So my last post was a true account of an event I would like to scratch from memory, but seeing as how it was 10 years ago (yes people....10 whole years) I'm confident this one will go down with me. Many of you expressed joy in my pain and had a good laugh with me.....and by with me I mean at me. It's ok, I can take it. This isn't my first rodeo. In fact, last night I was sitting with some precious friends over dinner (I was in Dallas for work the last 2 days, so I got to have dinner with my sister and her besties) and we started telling funny/embarrassing stories about ourselves (and by ourselves I mean anyone other than ourselves) and the following story popped into my head, but there was no time to share it. I figured I would do it here, for the entire world wide web.....

I should write a book....

It was back in August of 2003 and I had just graduated from College. Not 10 days earlier I had walked the stage at Texas A&M University and proudly accepted my diploma, eaten my celebratory lunch at Cheddar's and hit Highway 6 bound for career glory. Although my mind told me to be realistic with my expectations, I had a secret hope that I would be the one to get that crazy dream job and break the "starting salary" mold that so many that had gone before me had fallen victim to. Armed with my degree in Communications I set out on a pretty broad job search. I was submitting resumes left and right and trying just about every contact I had ever made. I came across a "marketing" job online and happily applied. To my surprise I received a call back within 24 hours and I had an INTERVIEW! Woo-hoo!! My parent's were elated!! Did I mention I was living with my parents?? That's right, in the weeks following graduation I moved into my parent's house in Austin while my job hunt spanned the major cities of Texas. That's always a lot of fun when your failure to secure a paycheck is examined each night at the dinner table. :) I digress.....so I woke up on the big day and put on my suit and headed off to knock'em dead!

I was dressed to impress and I met with a fairly handsome, fairly young (Early 30s) charming as anything guy. You know, before I tell you this next part, I'm just gonna say hindsight is 20/20. He was telling me that they did "marketing" although never really fully explaining himself. And that by doing this marketing I could make BIG money! They "market" for large companies, golf courses, sports venues, etc across the Austin area and I would be on an account and "market" them throughout Austin. I would have a low base salary and then make commission depending on my sales. Well, it doesn't sound so bad, does it?? To make things even more appealing, I was just what they were looking for! Young, bright, talented, a "go-getter", strong work ethic, etc. To my great delight I was invited back for a second interview and a "job shadowing day" where I would be able to walk side by side (foreshadowing) with one of their "sales directors" and get a good feel for the operation.

Holy Moly. I'm on top of the WORLD! I call mom, she's elated, I think we even had a celebratory steak dinner in light of my looming second interview and I got my only other suit ready for day 2. I was to be there at 8:00am, so I got up, got dressed in my BLACK suit...pants and jacket....and put on my blue J.Crew button down straight from the cleaners. Woo-wee I was lookin' sharp! Off I went and visions of Benjamin's danced in my head. I think my dad gave me a, "go get'em" and my mom gave me a, "break a leg!" She wasn't just so sure how close she had come to predicting the future.

I think I jammed a bit to Shane and Shane and maybe a Rich Mullins tune thrown in there on my way and thought I was prepared for my day of shadowing. I walked in, met 3 other young and unassuming schmucks just like me who were also there for their shadowing. Soon, 4 people walked out of a back office high fiveing and elated that they had just finished their super stellar morning meeting! The handsome guy that had done my interview the day before explained that each of us would team up with one of his "sales directors" and our day would begin. He paired me with a girl in a one time white suit, a little rough around the edges, but nice all the same and my day began. I thought we were going to head into her office, and essentially we did, but instead of a corner office with a window we headed out with another pair and got into the back seat of their 2 door Grand Am. I was sitting there thinking, what on earth is going on?? But I'm not the type to say something, so I rolled with it. Pretty soon we were jamming to Sublime and the windows were rolled down as the 2 "sales directors" were getting their morning buzz from their Marlboro's. Before I could say "uncle" I was dropped off in a neighborhood (In what I NOW know was Southeast Austin) with nothing but my "sales director", my BLACK SUIT (did I mention it was AUGUST and I live in TEXAS) and my high heels. No lie, it was 104 degrees that day. No.Lie.

Y'all.....we were selling COUPONS door to door! WWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAATTTTTTT??? Freaking Mr. Gatti's coupons door to door. I almost started crying, but what was I going to do, insult her? "NO MAM! I am NOT selling pizza coupons door to door!" So what did I do? I walked for EIGHT hours in my suit and HIGH HEELS with my BRIEFCASE through the streets of SOUTHEAST AUSTIN selling pizza coupons. This is not what they advertised in my freshman year orientation.

The other group came and picked us up around 12:30 for lunch at the local Schlotsky's and I went into the bathroom and took off my jacket because I was literally about to pass out from heat exhaustion and my shirt was DARK blue from sweat. I stood in front of the hand dryers trying to dry my shirt back to it's original color. And my hair? Oh, don't even go there girlfriend! My 7:00am freshly straightened hair was now soaking wet and kinky curly. My feet were solid blisters because heels were never meant for 10Ks and I could.not.believe. what I was doing.

They took us BACK out to our neighborhood and had us "finish the route" and at 4:30 my hell day was semi-over. I was never so happy to be sitting in the back of a trashed out GrandAm getting second hand smoke in my life! When we got back we all had to sit in the lobby and be called into now not-so-handsome-but-totally-misleading-guy's office where I STAYED to meet with him! He sat there telling me how I was PERFECT for that job and I would certainly reap the rewards and then seemed TOTALLY stunned when I turned down his totally appealing (read completely CRAZY) job offer. He proceeded to completely bash my career dreams and tell me "good luck trying to make more money somewhere else!" and not to let the door hit me on my way out.

I got into the car, where my cell phone was, and it was now closing in on 6:00pm. I had about 15 missed calls from "Home" and "Mom Cell" and about 8 voicemail messages. I called home completely SOBBING at the sound of my mom's voice and she went into panic mode. Of course, with me leaving in a fantastic mood thinking I would shadow someone for 3 hours, have a job offer by mid-afternoon and be home in time for a celebratory "I'm a working girl" dinner, my 6:00pm first contact was a far cry. She thought I was dead on the road somewhere and she wasn't that far off! I was almost so tired I could hardly drive home, I was soaking wet through all of my clothes, and my feet were in the worst shape of my life! I made it home, limped in the door with my curly hair, and it began! Mom saw me and started crying and dad saw me and got completely upset. Mom had told him the story and he could not believe it! The first words out of his mouth were, "You have been walking the streets of South Austin selling COUPONS all day?? Where was your cell phone?? Someone takes you somewhere and drops you off in a neighborhood and you STAYED? You didn't call us to come get you? We didn't send you to 4 years of college to be this stupid!" ha ha ha ha. In his defense, he was SO worried about me. They just could not believe it. And in his defense, it was pretty dumb of me not to call, but what was I going to do? Like I said, I hated to insult what they actually do for a living.....

It was the worst.day.of.my.life. But now, it is completely hilarious and one that we joke about often. Mom and I even laughed about it last night and my dad's words, "We didn't send you to college to be this stupid!" Ahhh...words of wisdom.

"Superstar!"

I recently had an e-mail asking me my most embarrassing moment. While it could possibly be a toss-up because I've done many embarrassing things in my life, I'm pretty certain that it would have to be my Senior year of high school when I did back handsprings into the ENTIRE Gatorade table.

Let's start at the very beginning...a very good place to start....

At one time, I was a cheerleader. And before that, I was what you might loosely call "a gymnast". I'm not gonna lie, I had nothin' on Shawn Johnson, but I could do a few tricks. My Senior year of HS I suffered a pretty bad lower back injury that sent me to the hospital because I literally could.not.move. Walking hurt, sitting hurt, standing hurt, breathing hurt, living hurt. It was awful. I did some rehab and took cortisone shots and muscle relaxers and finally got to the point where I could attempt to tumble again, but I couldn't "completely leave the ground" meaning back flips or anything where all of my body weight would come down at one time. This limited me to back handsprings.

Insert our first varsity football game of my senior year....we were playing an away game. We were doing some silly cheer where each cheerleader takes a turn doing a tumbling pass. It was my turn, it was a timeout, all eyes were on me...literally...I'm not exaggerating, and I start my string of back handsprings. This was not a new trick. I could do back handsprings in.my.sleep. It was literally like walking, only this time I decided to make things interesting. I guess I started going crooked because of my back, I have no idea, but I started going crooked nonetheless. Apparently people were yelling and screaming for me to stop, but no no. Not this girl. I was going to flip-flop until the cows came home....or until I hit the Gatorade table...whichever came first. And I can tell you which one came first....

You guessed it....BOOM! There was a collective GASP from everyone in the stadium as I literally took my legs out of the Gatorade bucket and noticed the blood running down my right shin. I'm sure I thought to myself, "I'm so freaking cool right now...NOT!" The only thing I could think to do was look up into the crowd and say, "SUPERSTAR!" I then got a huge laugh and cheer and I think my mom took off her photo button at that point not wanting to be identified. I pretty much never lived that one down.

In parent skits at the end of the year my dad even donned a cheerleading outfit and acted out my infamous moment of glory. He tore his meniscus. That's what you get for making fun of people. :)

I can't make this stuff up....

Y'all, my life is crazy. And today I realized that sometimes I get myself into some of these crazy situations myself! It happens by snap decisions (but made with wonderful intentions!) and then I just get so caught up in it all. For example....today, I was on my way to work, dreaming of a kolache no less, and I was driving down South Congress Avenue (very busy street!) and I hear all this honking. Then, I realize there is a dog walking across the street...in the middle of traffic....and then he STOPS!!!!!! DON'T STOP!!!!!!!!! So the cars coming the opposite direction are hardly slowing and they are honking and this dog doesn't know what to do. I'm in panic mode! I turn my car to where it's blocking 1.5 lanes of traffic and I FLY out of the car begging this dog to come to me. He obliges and into my arms, and then into my car, he goes.

Ok, now what do I do?? Hi new friend! You were not in the most wonderful predicament 30 seconds ago. I am exactly one block from work, now beginning to sweat and I have a large dog in my passenger's seat. TGIF.

So I pull into work and begin looking at his tags. He had a vet tag, so thank goodness he doesn't have rabies. He also had a "lost tag" with an ID number. He did not have a personal tag with his name, owner's names, or a phone number. I'm still thinking the lost tag is better than nothing. So I call the lost number, get an answering machine....of course....and I leave his ID number and my contact info. Well buddy, you're going to work today! So into the office we go. He comes in, sits down, obeys commands, and then just lays down by my desk. But then....the scratching starts. Upon closer inspection, he has fleas!! And he has hot spots where he has scratched so hard....you can't stay at work with me. Of course. I am not an animal shelter girl. I avoid PetSmart at ALL costs on the weekends because I want to take all of the dogs home that need to be adopted. I am a dog LOVER. But his fleas can't stay at TASBO while waiting for the "lost people" to come pick him up.

So I called Town Lake Animal Shelter, gave them the WHOLE story, and they were so nice and told me to bring him over, that they would bathe him and treat him for the fleas and feed him. With the lost tag and the fact that he is so well mannered, I do think he is someones pet and hopefully someone is looking for him. It could be that he has been lost for a while and has gotten fleas from being out and about.

So, I load him back up into my car (I make that sound easy....he got away from me while trying to get him into the car and I chased him around the apartment complex that is near my office in a full on PANIC...I know he must have been so scared as to what was going on) and I take him to the TLAS. Upon arriving at the shelter, I break out into tears. Why does this always happen?? I was distraught over leaving him. Did I mention how sweet he was?? So they promised to try to locate his owners and if not... Rookie might have a big brother by Monday.....

Homeboy kickin' it at TASBO

So, my fabulous find for today is John Doe the Border Collie....we'll call him....Lucky Boots

Am I on Candid Camera??

Y'all, I can't make this stuff up! So I have been in Dallas since last Thursday for work. I apologize there was no Fabulous Find Friday, but I'm not cool enough to have an iPhone to update from. Maybe if my readership reaches unprecedented numbers I will be forced to have unlimited media access. I'm sure that day is right around the corner.....back to the Big D...

I have been at a conference surrounded by superintendents, school administrators and school board members. I'm sure I have met some of your cities finest in the past few days. All that to describe my surroundings the majority of the week/weekend. Dave came to Dallas on Friday after he got off work so we could have a little hang out time in the evenings, so Saturday night, we headed out to the House of Blues where the title sponsor of the conference was holding their shen-dig. Imagine our surprise/sheer joy when we arrived back to the hotel to find TONS...I mean TONS of people dressed in Cowboys/Redskins paraphernalia. This one lady was my FAVORITE and by the time I got my camera she was gone. She was in head to toe Redskins stuff, had on her #21 Jersey (RIP Shaun Taylor...) and her rally towel....yes, you read that right...her rally towel tucked into her shorts.

The fans were out in full force Sunday morning at 10am getting ready for the big game. I knew no one would believe me, so I got out my camera and Dave got in the car. :) Cowboy fans mean business!

YEP, they absolutely knew I was taking this.

Play like a Champion...

Do you think it was an omen that my fortune cookie (yes, Dave chose Chinese food before the big game!) said:

"You must first learn to lose before you can learn to win"

Well, for the first time in the history of fortune cookies....it was correct! I think I'll go buy a lottery ticket with my "lucky" numbers that were listed on the back!

So, game day! The Wampus Cats of Austin Baptist Church showed up ready to pounce. We had our matching shirts, our water bottles and our finest softball attire. Thank you Nike for making ugly cleats a tiny bit better with the accents of pink. :)

And the team takes the field. The other team scores 2 runs in the top of 1, but no worries....with a lead off single by mom, and an in the park homerun by our 2 hole hitter we were right back in this thing. Then, who else is hitting third but yours truly! And what do I do? I strike out. Now that you have all gasped, "In SOFTBALL??" I will explain. We start the count 1-1 and the guy threw me 2 quick balls towering over my head. So basically, one more ball and I would have the base. But NO, I couldn't just take the base. That would be too easy! I wanted to be the hero and get a hit. I swung at 2 pitches that I jumped to try to reach and still couldn't. Man....what was I thinking? I don't know, but I can guarantee I was asked that same question by my dad and Dave!

Bottom line...we got run ruled. We left with our tail between our legs. But mom went 2-2! Way to go V-Rog! Dad was batting 12th but I feel certain after showing his abilities on the field he'll be moved to clean-up next week. Shout out to Bradley who also went 1-1 with a single to left! In all, it was a great time. We've got practice on Saturday and I feel certain we will work out all the kinks by game 2. Bring it on Austin Rec League!!

1st base and Catcher representing before the game

Dave and I after our warm up tosses

Our pitcher/catcher duo in the house!

James and Allison

Signing off,
Slugger